Moving On
by sakura-dream
Summary: Remus contemplates the meaning of 'moving on,'and finds that some things are worth hanging on to, even when they hurt.


I don't own Harry Potter.

I really wish I did though.

Spoliers for books 5 and 6. And that's all really. I hope you enjoy.

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Quiet nights have always helped him think. As far back as he can remember, Remus had taken solace in the stretch of night sky, and the serenity the stars had to offer. When he was still at Hogwarts, James and Sirius would tease him relentlessly for the loner-like habit. But nonetheless, they somehow knew that it was where he went when he needed to be alone.

Tonight was one of those nights.

_It's perfectly natural to need this_, he reasoned. The Order had been plunged into chaos with Dumbledore's sudden death and Snape's betrayal. It was so…..surreal. Most times, Remus was unsure of what the was supposed to feel.

_Numb_. He thought distantly. _All I feel is numb._

It almost felt like betrayal. That he couldn't feel the pain that so deeply impacted all of the other members of the Order. But all of that had died with Sirius. _Sirius._ He could barely bring himself to say the man's name anymore. Once it had brought a smile to his lips. The name alone supplied a sort of comfort that only lovers knew. Memories of chapped lips and kisses that tasted of sunlight and a strong, barking laugh, and warm calloused hands.

Hands that once had a place on slender hips, tenderly cupping a scarred cheek, lips meeting lips in breathy gasps, the silence between them when piercing blue met melted gold.

A groan very near anguish broke from his throat.

It hurt. It was like a rock settling in his chest, a weight that would never be lifted, would never stop hurting.

_What am I supposed to do Sirius? I can't do this alone._

There was so much he hadn't said, and everything in their past seemed to say "you were doomed from the start." But it didn't stop them. God he should have known better. He should have known they would never last.

He had nearly died after James and Lily's death, and nearly died again after hearing that Sirius was the one who had betrayed them. He had loved him even then. Even when he hated him, when he was convicted of the unthinkable.

_And you forgave me, even though I was undeserving. Before I could even ask….._

Sirius had loved him even after he knew of the lycanthropy. After Remus had abandoned him to Azkaban. And in those few short months, Remus was happier than he had ever been.

_And Tonks…._ He trailed off.

It wasn't simply that wolves mated for life, and it wasn't that he didn't care for Tonks. He could sometimes see glimpses of Sirius in her eyes. The same rebellious glint, the same off-handed smile. Remus could have laughed. Had Sirius been alive, he was sure he'd have gotten a lecture from the dark haired man about how he deserved to be happy. About the importance of moving on, getting on with his life. That he could be happy with Tonks. But the hard truth was that no matter how much the girl reminded him of Sirius, she wasn't him. And she could never take his place.

It would be a betrayal to them both.

He knew in his heart of hearts, that he would never truly love again. But for some reason, under the stars this night, that was ok. Because he had tasted happiness. He had loved Sirius desperately and completely and however brief. And Sirius Black had returned that love with an equal passion. It was more than he could ever ask for. And it was too good to last.

They both knew it. On some baser, darker level that they did not speak of, the lovers knew that their days were numbered. And despite all of the pain, he would not trade those memories for anything in the world.

_It was worth it. To be that happy, and I can live the remainder of my life with memories of you. Because it was love Sirius. It is love that binds me to you even now._

"Sirius" he breathed. For the first time in almost a year, saying the name that haunted his every waking thought, at last letting his eyes slide shut. And suddenly, it was alright to miss him. But when he looks back at the sky, he smiles, because now he knows he is not alone.

In finding the brightest star in the sky, he glimpses the man that was his entire world. Remus takes a breath. And he waits.


End file.
